Virginia Satir: Famous Trailblazer for Compassionate Living

Virginia Satir (1916-1988), was an internationally known trailblazer in the field of family therapy. She was one of the first to recognize the importance of including compassion and nurturance in her approach to troubled family relationships. She has inspired me and many other child and family advocates to recognize the importance of nurturance, compassion, empathy, and self-worth in healing the dysfunction found in troubled family relationships. Virginia Satir identified with the pain that comes from being human. She proposed that through nurturance, compassion, self-worth, and care families could heal in connection with one another. Her approach makes her a trailblazer for the compassionate living many philosophers are writing about today.

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., author of “The Doormat Syndrome” and former colleague to Virginia Satir said Virginia “Took the mental health field out of seeing people with problems as "pathology" generated by the psychiatric network of Freud into seeing people as a product of their negative family scripts which could be changed by learning to communicate with feelings" [2]. It was her vision for people to realize their self-worth, get back in touch with their feelings, and free themselves from blocked emotions.

According to her acceptance, caring, and empathy are key factions that help human beings connect with one another so we can reach our full potential. In many ways, Virginia added the human element to the study of families that has produced and continues to produce healthy change in many family relationships. She taught people to be honest with their feelings by first feeling them and talking about them. While speaking to a group of individuals she said, “When you can feel your feelings, you won’t have to turn them into body symptoms.”Her words and ideas are currently being promoted today in concepts, such as compassionate living and simplicity parenting.

Virginia Satir believed that most of the issues families faced were not a result of the actual problem but more often a result of the way people coped with the issues. She said, “Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”In other words, the way people perceived their difficulties affected how they coped with them and ultimately ended up becoming the problem. Before she died she said, "I think if I have one message, one thing before I die that most of the world would know, it would be that the event does not determine how to respond to the event. That is a purely personal matter. The way in which we respond will direct and influence the event more than the event itself." [3]

She identified four dysfunctional ways we can communicate with people including: blaming, distracting, being super-reasonable, or placating. All of these dysfunctional ways of relating deny authentic feelings. [2]

Virginia Satir, said freedom from these unhealthy communication patterns included being able to do the following:

• Remain firmly rooted in reality,

• Refuse to entertain the thoughts of what should have, could have or would have been.

• Say what you mean and mean what you say.

• Ask for what you desire.

• Take chances when it would be easier to simply comply.

She spoke as if honest communication with self and others was the pathway toward individual growth [1]. She encouraged all to celebrate differences, honor what is true, own your own desires, not expect others to read your mind, be kind to yourself, be compassionate to others, own your mistakes, love others as they are, respect others as you respect yourself, and always remain open to the possibility of growth. One of Virginia Satir's most famous quotes is, “Life is what it is.”

Virginia Satir, described the first step in compassionate living was learning to accept life, oneself, one another, and the world as it is. Her ideas suggest that fighting against the way things are is a battle that cannot be conquered. As many philosophers have said, the only thing we can change is ourselves. When we attempt to try and change others in order to create a world we desire we end up anxious, sick, and tired because the only life we were meant to live and change, is our own.

Peace Observed

When we follow Virginia Satir’s concepts of compassionate living we grow in peace. The peace we receive will be observed in the following ways:

• A new desire for spontaneity rather than trepidation.

• The ability to live intentionally.

• Less wanting to judge oneself or others.

• Less need to uncover the hidden messages we once perceived in the actions of others.

• Less desire to argue or be right.

• Less need for external validation.

• A greater connection to nature.

• More satisfying relationships with other people.

• Sincere appreciation for what you have.

• Less desire for more.

• The ability to freely receive and give love.

• Less desire to control the world, circumstances, and people around us.[2]

Acceptance, simplicity, compassion, and empathy are characteristics of the way many of us want to live our lives. According to Virginia Satir we can begin living in acceptance when we appreciate ourselves and others without judgment or demands. Virginia Satir described this best in her own words. Here are some of her most famous quotes.

"I want to love you without clutching, appreciate you without judging, join you without invading, invite you without demanding, leave you without guilt, criticize you without blaming, and help you without insulting. If I can have the same from you, then we can truly meet and enrich each other."

“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We Need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We Need 12 hugs a day for growth.”

"I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay."

“We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us.”

"Over the years I have developed a picture of what a human being living humanely is like. She is a person who understand, values and develops her body, finding it beautiful and useful; a person who is real and is willing to take risks, to be creative, to manifest competence, to change when the situation calls for it, and to find ways to accommodate to what is new and different, keeping that part of the old that is still useful and discarding what is not."

"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family "

“The problem is never the problem! It is only a symptom of something much deeper."

“Over the years I have developed a picture of what a human being living humanely is like. She is a person who understand, values and develops her body, finding it beautiful and useful; a person who is real and is willing to take risks, to be creative, to manifest competence, to change when the situation calls for it, and to find ways to accommodate to what is new and different, keeping that part of the old that is still useful and discarding what is not.”

"The goal is to be as fully human as we possibly can be…. when we are in touch with our personal power, we are in touch with our Divinity."

These quotes and others by Virginia Satir can be found at Thinkexisit.com

References

1. Wikipedia: The web http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virginia_Satir

2. Namka, Lynne. The Doormat Syndrome. 1989. Authors Choice Press. Lincoln, NE.

3. LA Times. September 12, 1988. Web Address: http://articles.latimes.com/1988-09-12/news/mn-1205_1_family-therapy

References for Quotes

Found at Thinkexist.com

Get Your Angries Out http://www.angriesout.com/satir.htm