How To Parent with Purpose

In the book "First Things First", Stephen Covey describes the concept of true North or the ability to know your direction in life. True North in the element of parenting is knowing how your family is currently functioning, understanding where your family desires to go, and taking the steps your family needs to take in order to arrive at that destination.

How to parent by following your truth north involves aligning your priorities in life with how you manage your time. When you parent by your true North you close the gap between spending your time focused on specific tasks, activities, and deadlines to spending your time living in ways that represent your values and beliefs. When you are able to follow your priorities as a parent you can create a family life that reflects and fulfills the priorities you have that give your life meaning.

Author Stephen Covey said in "First Things First ", that it is important for all of us to know where our true north points. Do you have a vision, mission, and purpose for your family? If you had to chose one sentence that describes your mission as it relates to parenting what would that be? These are all very important questions that we need to answer if we are looking ideas on how to parent by following our purpose.

Stephen Covey calls this process of identifying what guides your life as living by the compass or living by the clock. If we parent by the compass the decisions we make on how we manage our time are based on our vision, mission, beliefs, and goals. If we parent by the clock the decisions we make on how we manage our time are based on our commitments, tasks, appointments, external influences, and/or activities. When we are able to parent in a way that reflects our own values, despite other difficulties we experience, there will be less feelings of guilt, confusion, and dissatisfaction surrounding our role as parents.

Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living". If we apply this idea to parenting we find that parenting without a mission, vision, or true North can negatively impair the relationship we have with our children, family members, and self. If we frequently find ourselves second guessing our own parenting decisions then we end up parenting by the clock. Without a defined mission the nature of our ever changing society will impel us to cling to activities, schedules, or tasks because these tasks give us a sense of control and predictability. For a moment this approach on how to parent may seem to work until we are faced with a lack of fulfillment, emptiness, and confusion because we are not living in a way that gives our life meaning.

Simplicity Parenting is a current trend in the United States which proposes the idea that less is more. The proponents of simplicity parenting suggest that children and families function best in an atmosphere that is less chaotic, less cluttered, and less fast-paced. The founder of this idea Kim John Payne, M. Ed has traveled extensively across the United States and in other countries working with kids and their families in both public and private schools. Payne describes the current fast-paced excess driven society we live in as "an undeclared war....on childhood".

Kim John Payne, M. Ed. and Lisa M. Ross author of the book, "Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids " describes parents as the architects of the family. If we take the idea of "Simplicity parenting" and apply the concepts of "First Things First" parents are the architects which guide the family toward the compass or clock according to the choices they make. Simplicity parenting complements the idea of parenting by your "Truth North" with the idea that the home environment should be a reprieve from the over-stimulated world, where families live in alignment with is meaningful to them.

Payne and Ross highlight how our world and our children's world is supersized and overflowing with too much stuff, choices, images, stimulation, and urgency. As architects of our children's lives we choose whether the driving force behind our parenting decisions are motivated by fear or motivated by what we think is important. When we parent by our priorities we focus on what we want to have happen rather than what we fear could happen or what we don't want to happen.

Amy and Dan wonder whether they made a right decision when they sent their child to public school instead of private school, like their close friends Leslie and Greg. Nick and Stacy don't want to sign their 2nd grade son Ethan up to play competitive soccer because they feel the practice and games will limit the time they get to spend together as a family. Nick and Stacy's friends keep reminding them that if Ethan does not play competitive soccer he might fall behind in his ability to play in the regular league with his teammates and friends. Nick and Stacy decide to sign Ethan up to play competitive soccer, although this decision does not align with their true north.

When we look at how to parent by following our priorities we will not allow our values and beliefs to be swayed by the latest trends or outside influences. True north parenting recognizes that raising children in an environment conducive to a slower pace where children can grow in self-knowledge and imagine the possibilities found in the world around them will help children develop security and inner peace.

Henry David Thoreau described the calming effects of living with less when he said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. As you simplify life the laws of the universe will be simpler". How do you feel after you clean out your vehicle or garage? What about when you throw out items that are cluttering your cabinets or clean out your crammed kitchen drawers? Most of us feel a sense of accomplishment, peace, and well-being when we get rid of the excess things that clutter our daily lives. Living with an excess of toys, video-games, and auditory/visual stimulation is distracting to both children and adults. As Leo Tolstoy said, "There is no greatness where there is not simplicity."

Fast-Paced Lifestyle

We do not know all the effects our current fast-paced lifestyle will have on this generation of children. In our culture "quantity" time has been thrown out and replaced with the notion that "quality" time is all that is needed for us to attain a sense of well-being and fulfillment. One minute bedtime stories have replaced children's books like Tom Sawyer, Super Fudge, and Peter Pan. We are being sold the idea that children need more things, more choices, more activities, more technology in order to be happy, successful, and prepared for the "real world". Are children really more prepared for adulthood by spending less time interacting with their parents and more time interacting with technology, filtering through all the stuff, or becoming a competitive baseball player at 7-years-old?

Our relationships with and connections to our children cannot be built during one minute story time, when driving our children to and from various activities, or by simply living under the same roof. True relationships are built in environments where there is a sharing of ideas, a discovering of what gives our life meaning, and an uncovering of what makes the other person unique. This type of knowing is what leads us to experience what it truly means to be connected to another human being.

Children learn best in a simple environment where they can frequently engage in free play. As a child uses his or her imagination they begin to uncover who they are, who they want to be, and more about the world around them. The ideas of Simplicity Parenting or learning how to parent with less are one way to help you parent with purpose.

Replacing Urgency With Pace

Human beings remain dependent on their own parents and fellow human beings longer than any other species. According to Payne and Ross, "Childhood has its own mysterious processes, its own pace." More and more of our days are filled up with rushing children through breakfast, driving them to school, carting them around to after school activities, and the list goes on. Often we do these things over and over again without ever asking ourselves or our children if what we are doing is pointing us toward our mission or if what we are doing is leading us to experience more stress and less satisfaction with life.

When we remember what our vision was for our family before we had children and realign with our true North then we can reconnect with what gives our life meaning. If you are wondering how you can parent with less, Payne and Ross suggest you start by reducing the amount of things you have in your home.

I can attest that the process of simplifying the home environment works. With the help of my two youngest boys we went through the house filling trash bags with with extra toys, books, and things. I put the trash bags in the garage and the atmosphere our home was recognizably different. I soon noticed a more peaceful, creative approach to their play. The clutter of toys, books, and things had dampened their ability to create and imagine. As I learned how to parent with less our entire family gained a sense of renewed freedom when the extra clutter was gone from our life.

There are many ways you can begin to parent by your priorities. If you desire less of this chaotic fast-paced world, at least in your home environment, here are some steps you can take to begin this process in your own family.

• Define your family mission . Examine your own values and beliefs. "Begin with the end in mind", as Stephen Covey says. Determine where you want to lead your family. The structure are you hoping to build, the legacy you wish to leave. If you want your children to accept themselves and others as unique individuals created by God then begin that process with the end in mind. Picture the end product of your parenting. Do you see your grown children easily distracted, addicted to urgency, disconnected from people? Or do you see your children living their "True North" focusing on fulfilling the purpose they have in life? Begin with the end in mind.
• Simplify your environment . Start with the methods outlined in the book "Simplicity Parenting" The authors suggest putting away most of the toys and extremely limiting the time both you and your children spend in front of the screen. Reduce the pace of your day. Limit the amount of auditory and visual stimulation your children are exposed to in your home environment.
• Quiet your routine . While it is not always possible to have a peaceful home environment, if this is something that is important to you find ways to create opportunities for this to occur. For example, in our family we have a nightly routine we call, "rocking chair time". This is a time when I sit in the rocking chair and my boys take turns rocking with me. Part of my "True North" is to ensure that my children receive physical touch, connection, and feel accepted and loved. Quieting our routine helps align us with our priorities.
• Give space for each family member . Healthy homes where families can live their true North offer space and rhythm for each individual family member. John and Ross stress the importance of keeping children out of the adult world. In other words, instead of offering children explanations, lots of detail, and searching for learning opportunities around every corner, offer your children the opportunity to learn and discover at their own pace. Parent with less fear and more intention so there is more space for each family member to discover who they truly are.
• Remain focused on your goal. Do not allow outside influences to distract you from your mission. Jane Healy in her book Failure to Connect , found that kids who don't use computers until their teens attained computer competency within a few months to the level of those children who started using computers as toddlers. Do not be fooled by the idea that if you do not expose your children to technology, athletics, or music lessons as a young child that they will be left behind, less successful, or less employable. Many research studies are beginning to prove that early exposure does not necessarily equal mastery and in many cases can result in overstimulation, dissatisfaction, or injury.

Finally choose what tapestry you want to design for your family. Every home experiences ebb and flow, predictability and unpredictability, and opportunities to live by the clock or by the compass. The threads that we weave are hidden in our complete work. Your values will guide you to weave the threads that give your family life meaning. Begin with the end in mind. What tapestry of family life do you want to create? Take hold of that vision, plan on how you will make that vision a reality, and then create your own family tapestry, mission statement, or plan for learning how to parent by following your true north!

For more articles or information about the author Kelley Ward, PhD, RN, C please visit here.

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